A bit of grit!

I've been getting dirty! My fingers nails are in need of being trimmed as they willing hold on to all the dirt possible, my clothes are filthy. My feet look like I've been trekking some wild jungles. I've been gardening!

The last few weeks has reawakened my passion for all things dirty, green, edible and pretties! I love getting in the dirt and pulling out the weeds, getting rid of this pesky wild asparagus that the previous owners planted. It has gone feral and incredibly hard to get rid of. In some areas it has become a noxious weed. I'm anti-asparagus plant, but the eating ones from the shops I'm happy to accept. I know farmers have the skills to keep it under control, unlike myself.

So the point....what's this got to do with spirituality? A lot! When you have a resurgence of passion for something you used to enjoy, it's like a rebirth of your mind. My body has been all achy, my hands are sore from yankinng on stubborn weeds, but at the end of the day I feel like I've achieved more than I did the previous day.

There's a sense of instant gratification, and slow burn at the same time. You prepare your garden bed then put in your plants, the initial instant gratification puts a smile on your face, then the plants take hold and mature and you're even more happy. There's a sense of oneness when you've allowed natural to infiltrate your being.

Now I've created a small pocket of change, I'm hoping it will forever continue. I have so many ideas that I would like to see come true. Start something today that you will be happy with and if you're not happy, just start again.

Trends.

(*Disclaimer: I am have not received training, nor do I claim to be an expert in any field. These are my opinions for the sake of entertainment value. All medical concerns need to be addressed by a medical professional.)

There's been a big push lately to follow "healthy" trends created by cancer survivors, medical miracles, celebrity chefs, healthy guru's, most have little or no valid qualifications to back up their theories of healthy eating, according to their diet preferences. I am not one to boast about knowing what is good for me and following what the doctor has advised me to do. I do know the basics of what makes me feel ill, what makes me feel good, what I should be eating, what I shouldn't be eating, I know about portion control, it's the control part I don't like, I know about healthy cooking, all in theory! That doesn't make me an expert, know it all, I should right a book and tell everyone that it's the way to go! Far from it.

In reality I am the worst candidate for this. But in the light of the Belle Gibson story breaking (http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/diet-and-fitness/belle-gibson-and-the-whole-pantry-app-lessons-from-a-liar-20150319-1m25dh.html ) as well as the wake of boisterous rejection of Pete Evans paleo baby book ( http://www.smh.com.au/national/pete-evans-paleo-book-for-babies-dumped-20150316-1m0805.html), I think something needs to be said about societies need to have a savior. Yes it helps to have someone to inspire us to a healthy way of living. There are some people that take this obsession way to far.

Eating disorders cover a variety of body image related diseases. Having suffered from bulimia and having had recent lapses, it's a behavior that is hard to shift away from. I am self diagnosed with bulimia, but I didn't need a doctor to tell me that it wasn't right to be throwing up your meals after binge eating. Vanity slowly helped me stop this destructive behaviour, as I read that stomach acids have a good habit of destroying the enamel in your teeth and can cause them to rot. So I thought I love my smile more than being sick, so I slowly gave it up, took a few years to do so. But my teeth haven't escaped unharmed.

I was always a bigger girl, or so I was told by my family; however looking back at photos I don't believe I was anywhere near the size I was told I was. I was told if I only lost a little bit of weight, boys would like me, I could fit into nicer clothes ( I was shamed into wearing clothes for men as I didn't think womens clothes would be flattering on me). It was just my immediate family, it was also my extended family. I would be bribed by my cousin who promised to give me $50, when I was in my early teens, if I was able to lose 10kg.

When I was 19 I lost 30kg, not from proper dieting, but mostly from my bulimic behaviour and a new medication a specialist gave me, but it was more so from the grief induced bulimia. I didn't want to deal with what was happening in my life and it felt like I could control my life by controlling what stayed in my body. It only took 3-6 months to lose the weight, I was happy, I was smaller than I had ever thought I could be.

The weight came back within 2 years.

Now I see people I know who have the want for a healthier lifestyle pushing themselves and their bodies beyond what they are capable of. There are girls who are obsessed with the super lean, clean eating lifestyle that their bodies no longer resemble female figures.

We are so ready to jump on trends that have been promoted on social media believing the hype. These people end up making their fortunes from misguided followers, who wait with bated breath for their next miracle cure.

The answer is hardly ever external, and no I'm not just advocating the spiritual mantra of "Look within!" here. If there is to be a permanent change, the answer often lies in a change in perception, yea, looking within, but on more than one level. You need to see if there are any underlying mental disorders, eating disorders, any physical reasons why weight refuses to be put on or come off, if there are any hang ups that causes you to come to a screeching halt every time you achieve some sort of milestone. Always seek professional help! Go to a GP, contact a dietitian, a nutritionist, a naturopath, acupuncturist. Seek help from those who have been trained to help you.

And if all that fails! LOVE YOURSELF AS YOU ARE! If you are overweight but have no medical issues that have been caused by your weight, then love yourself and forget what the world thinks. Your body is not a trend!

Chasing the dragon.

Lately my tendency for going through a depressive phase has definitely ramped up. The house is a mess, I haven't felt very creative with my jewelry making, I don't really want to write in my diary, I'm not in the mood to take photos of my jewelry or creative work, the list goes on. My depression is usually triggered, this time of year, by the anniversary of the loss of my first boyfriend, which, honestly I am quite over, just the my body remembers, not every year, what I went through. There are now a few death anniversaries that are around the same date.

When I do relive these feelings, it's almost like a sense of time travel. The period in my life, which I still believe to be quite amazing and important, late teens early twenties, was so poignant that I chase that dragon whenever the feeling comes.

Several factors play into my dragon chasing. The theme music for this period was anything Sarah Mclachlan, Googoo Dolls, Six Pence None the Richer related. The movie that reflected my moods were Bed of Roses with Christian Slater, Practical Magic. The television series that would epitomize what I was going through would definitely be Buffy; the vampire slayer.

When all of these fall into place, I experience a sense of euphoria. I can almost feel, smell the late 1990's. I can capture small glimpses of what it was like, how I felt like, what emotions I went through during this time of my life.

It wasn't all boohoo, my heart was broken. It was also when I discovered new adventures, got my first tattoo, traveled to a city bigger than Brisbane, by myself and a city that I hadn't visited. I met new people, I learnt to use the internet for the first time. I allowed myself to experience a little bit of freedom from my friends.

I still remember so many of those days when I laughed so hard, I cried so much, and loved endlessly.

Sometimes the dragon is hard to catch, but other nights it's easier than breathing.

More often than not these trips to the past only brings tears of the pain that I went through. But lately it's been more the good trips of laughter, love and friends.

I allow myself to experience these moments. They help connect me to the past, so I can appreciate what I have gone through and what I am capable of overcoming.

My dragons of the present feel similar to my travels of the past, but now I get to enjoy these trips with my husband. He is there to see me smile when we're driving through the mountains and I'm in a
meditative or trance like state and my whole being is vibrating with such a high frequency that not smiling is impossible and laughter is just one tooth grin away.

Understand what you have gone through, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

Phishing.

Please be careful for those of you that enter free reading giveaways that ask you for personal information; date of birth, place of birth, full name etc. These private pieces of information can be used to hack your accounts as well as steal you identity and can cause financial ruin.

I've noticed that there are a few spiritual groups that have "readers" announce free readings, however you must provide personal information to be given your free reading. What you need to be aware of is that there are scammers who will collect information from you through these means. 

Free readings are great, but the possiblity of having your money taken from you is just too great. Be careful! 

Building your good Karma

This is a clip that has been around for a while, and still makes me sob like a baby. ( http://www.upworthy.com/a-boy-stole-stuff-for-his-mom-and-it-paid-off-for-the-shopkeeper-in-the-end?c=ufb2 )

For me (Mary Ann), this just hit home harder than most clips. As a kid when I was in Philippines there was one event that has stood out in my memory, more than others. My family had little food, and no rice. My mother asked me to walk to my relatives place and ask for a little bit of rice, they said no. I don't know why that was their response, I'm sure they all have their reasons, as we all struggled to make ends meet, but I remember the feeling of failure and disappointment that I couldn't help to get food for my family.

These struggles have not ceased today, in our modern world. In fact, in my own personal opinion, I would have to say the disparity between the rich and the poor, in the Philippines, as I'm sure would also be evident in other parts of the world, is far greater than it has ever been.

Whenever I visit family in the Philippines, there's a blind vision of "foreigners" and their rich family, as the conversion rate from Australian dollar to Peso is quite high and our dollar is able to buy more than their peso can. they don't see the struggle we have as we try and save to have a splurge vacation. I also observed that many people are so ingrained in their own struggles and almost refuse to see other peoples needs as being far more important than theirs.

I enjoy my time when I visit, but I am disheartened at the growing number of the homeless, those used in the slave trade to beg for money, sex slaves, drug racketing, The sad smiles that look up through dirty faces asking for money, food or help. You cannot give in as the money rarely stays with them, there's no guarantee that food, clothing or anything else that you give them will be theirs.

One night though I couldn't give in. Rick and I were out at a grocery store, that had a Macdonalds next to it, we had a couple of people with us, as we were buying a lot of food for a family get together the next day. A kid asked for money, I said no, but I wanted to buy him food, Rick and I bought him a cheese burger meal, but he wouldn't eat the cheese burger. We asked him why, he said he was going to take it home to his LOLA, which mean grandmother, as she hasn't eaten all day. After hearing this, I cried, I told him eat the cheeseburger and we'll buy you another meal to take home to her. He ate the burger. I felt so sincerely grateful to be able to help this child out. We bought him another two meals to take home with as well as giving him a few pesos to safely get home by jeep and not hitching on the back on them. As we finished out shopping, he was still there, and was almost kicked out by a security guard as the poor child was asked where did you get the food from, did you pay for it. He was being harassed by the guard. We stepped in and said we bought it for him. The guard backed off, smiled and walked away. We told the boy to go home now. It's a pity that we can rarely enjoy these moments without having our motives questioned or having the person we are helping also queried as to how they can afford to purchase what we have given them. A few months ago, just before Christmas, I had to visit the Fortitude Valley, in Brisbane, Queensland, and had a few spare dollars. I bought a frozen coke, as it was a hot day and a homeless Aboriginal lady asked if I could give her some change, I had plenty of change, but honestly told her I don't believe in giving change, but can offer her the drink I had just bought. She happily accepted it. And as I spoke to her I found out that she hadn't eaten all day. I said I'll be back in a little while, please don't move. I walked over to Red Rooster and bought some meals for her, I also asked for extra moist towelettes. As I felt the meal took forever to cook, I was worried that my new friend had been moved on already, luckily she was still there. I walked over and gave her the two meals, warning her that they were fresh from the fryer and were quite hot. She cried and thanked me. I was just happy to help. About a month ago, I saw her again, but only had a few dollars myself, but I gave her a hot dog. She didn't remember me, but I remembered her. That was enough for me. She happily accepted the hot dog and ate it straight away. Rick and I don't do these acts of kindness to received recognition, rather, we do it as we know what not having anything is like. Small random acts of kindness means more to you and the person you are helping, than all the "Likes", "Views" or "Comments" that social media can receive as gratitude is far more fulfilling for the soul than recognition.

Create something.

Just before the new year I've had this strange urge to create something. Not necessarily triggered by something I've seen, nor anything that has drawn my eye. I tried on the 2nd of January to create a drawing but just found myself restricted by the colours and materials I have.

I want to bring a rustic, textile filled beauty into my home. I want to draw, I was to mold, I want to shape, I want to allow colour and texture to be a big part of my home. I want it to shout with a freedom that's been lacking.

I'm so desparate to creating something new, something of beauty but feel stuck, unable to move because my mind is just everwhere.