Chasing the dragon.

Lately my tendency for going through a depressive phase has definitely ramped up. The house is a mess, I haven't felt very creative with my jewelry making, I don't really want to write in my diary, I'm not in the mood to take photos of my jewelry or creative work, the list goes on. My depression is usually triggered, this time of year, by the anniversary of the loss of my first boyfriend, which, honestly I am quite over, just the my body remembers, not every year, what I went through. There are now a few death anniversaries that are around the same date.

When I do relive these feelings, it's almost like a sense of time travel. The period in my life, which I still believe to be quite amazing and important, late teens early twenties, was so poignant that I chase that dragon whenever the feeling comes.

Several factors play into my dragon chasing. The theme music for this period was anything Sarah Mclachlan, Googoo Dolls, Six Pence None the Richer related. The movie that reflected my moods were Bed of Roses with Christian Slater, Practical Magic. The television series that would epitomize what I was going through would definitely be Buffy; the vampire slayer.

When all of these fall into place, I experience a sense of euphoria. I can almost feel, smell the late 1990's. I can capture small glimpses of what it was like, how I felt like, what emotions I went through during this time of my life.

It wasn't all boohoo, my heart was broken. It was also when I discovered new adventures, got my first tattoo, traveled to a city bigger than Brisbane, by myself and a city that I hadn't visited. I met new people, I learnt to use the internet for the first time. I allowed myself to experience a little bit of freedom from my friends.

I still remember so many of those days when I laughed so hard, I cried so much, and loved endlessly.

Sometimes the dragon is hard to catch, but other nights it's easier than breathing.

More often than not these trips to the past only brings tears of the pain that I went through. But lately it's been more the good trips of laughter, love and friends.

I allow myself to experience these moments. They help connect me to the past, so I can appreciate what I have gone through and what I am capable of overcoming.

My dragons of the present feel similar to my travels of the past, but now I get to enjoy these trips with my husband. He is there to see me smile when we're driving through the mountains and I'm in a
meditative or trance like state and my whole being is vibrating with such a high frequency that not smiling is impossible and laughter is just one tooth grin away.

Understand what you have gone through, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.